Do you know what Canuba is?
If you said yes, you must be Canadian!
Canadians love to laugh, especially at ourselves. And that's good. Admitting your shortcomings with humour means you’re nice. Canadians are world-renowned nice people.
We're so nice that Americans travelling abroad have been known to don a maple leaf so they can pass as Canadian.
Canadians are warm, friendly people. We love to be social, travel, and share a laugh. We're quick with an apology and a joke about apologizing.
Canadian jokes can be funny, silly, corny, and clever. Here are some of our favourites:
You Know You're Canadian When...
Our collective experience living in the Great White North certainly shows itself in Canadian humour. Not that there aren't differences between us. Canada is a big country, and some of us don't even live here all year long.
Some Canadians are like geese. They're called snowbirds because they fly south every winter. And they're not the only ones.
Last winter, it was so cold in some parts of Canada that snowmen were seen boarding flights to beach resorts. Of course, they'd melted by the time they landed, resulting in tropical depressions. Yes, that's a favourite Canadian joke seen all over social media these days.
Canada may be large and diverse, but we all put on our parkas one sleeve at a time. There are just certain things we've all done and that we all do that are uniquely Canadian.
You know you're real Canadian when...
You understand the following: "Would you please pass me a serviette? I just spilled my poutine."
You know what Canadian Tire money is and probably have some in a drawer at home.
You know what a toque is.
You have a drawer full of toques.
You have worn shorts and a parka at the same time.
You find -40 degrees celsius a little chilly.
You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
You grew up on Kraft Dinner.
Your favourite cuisine today is Kraft Dinner. Ok maybe you've graduated to adding chopped hotdogs.
You had to design all your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit.
You have ever gotten your snowblower stuck on the roof.
You understand the Labatts Blue commercials.
Your favourite song is the theme from "Hockey Night in Canada."
Your local newspaper devotes two pages to national news and six pages to hockey.
You've ever participated in Participaction.
You have rolled up the rim to win.
You can tell people you're at Timmy's, and they don't follow up by asking, "Timmy who?"
You describe a location by which Tim Horton's it's near!
Funny Canadian One-Liners
There's a lot to say about living in Canada, being Canadian, and how we look at life, the universe, and everything. But it doesn't always take many words to convey our thoughts with humour.
These one-liners capture the spirit of Canadian humour.
Canada could have had it all: American industry, British Culture, and French Cuisine. Instead, it got: French Industry, American culture, and British cuisine.
In Canada, people use “B.C.E.” instead of “B.C.” It stands for Before Christ, Eh?
How is the United States better off than Canada? They have nicer neighbours.
Canada's starting a space program to send a spaceship to the moon. They're calling the spaceship Apollo-G.
How do you get a Canadian to apologize? Step on their foot.
There are four seasons in Canada: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction.
Alternately, there are just two seasons in Canada: winter and July.
Did you know that Canada has a real hard water problem? Most of the time, it’s frozen.
Whoever said, “Do the job right the first time, and you’ll never have to do it again,” never shovelled snow off a Canadian driveway.
Someday, Canada will rule the earth. Then everyone will be sorry.
Jokes About Canadians
No one tells jokes about Canadians better than a Canadian. Some of the funniest comedians in the United States are Canadian, after all.
Canadian comics have been infiltrating American film, television, and nightclubs for decades.
It's true. Jim Carrey, Mike Meyers, John Candy, Lesley Nielsen, Dan Aykroyd, Samantha Bee, Mary Walsh, Timmy Chong, Rick Moranis...the list of internationally famous Canadian comedic talent is long. And the trend shows no signs of abating.
One quality today's Canadian comics seem to share is that national sense of humbleness. They particularly like to tell jokes about their own experiences as Canadians and jokes that poke fun at their homeland. But then, there are a lot of those.
Have you heard these?
How do you get 50 Canadians out of a swimming pool? You say, “please get out of the swimming pool.”
What's the difference between a Canadian and a canoe? A canoe tips.
How does a Canadian hold up their hair? With moose.
What do you call a Canadian soap opera? The Cold and the Beautiful.
What do Canadians get on their tests? Eh's
How was copper wire invented? Two Canadians were fighting over a penny.
What does Canada produce that no other country in the world can?
On Canada's Founding
The founding fathers of Canada were having trouble deciding what to name the country. They decided to put the letters of the alphabet in a hat and draw them at random. Some of our favourite cities and towns were named that way! Anyway, they pulled the first letter out. “C eh?”
Then the next one, “N eh?”
One more, “D eh?”. C eh N eh D eh? "Canada!"
One Nation, Two Languages
A patron in a Montreal restaurant turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded.
"This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked 'C' gave me boiling water."
"But, Monsieur, 'C' stands for chaud, the French word for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."
"Wait a minute," the patron shrieked. "The other tap is also marked 'C.'"
"Of course," said the manager. "It stands for cold. After all, Montreal is a bilingual city."
On Canadian Sports
What does Canada do with hardened and dangerous criminals?
They give them red and white jerseys and call them the National Hockey Team.
Do you know why there's not much boxing in Canada? Every time there's a fight in the ring, a hockey game breaks out.
A pun, as you may know, is a joke that involves a play on words. It often uses words that have similar spellings, sounds, or meanings in an attempt to be funny.
Here is a collection of puns based on Canadian humour. Yes, we're sorry.
I don't believe Canada is real. I think it's all maple-leaf.
Canada is eh okay.
Canadian weather is snow joke.
Canada wins best in snow.
Someone is talking badly about Canada, but I was having Nunavut!
Isn’t it Trudeau?
There’s so much to CN do in Toronto.
Don’t go chasing Niagara Falls.
Why I Ottawa...
Yukon see the Northern Lights from here!
Having a Fundy time!
Don’t be such a Mount Royal pain in the ass!
Whistler while you work.
I’m in a Huron to get to the airport.
Feeling a bit Superior today.
This place gives me an Erie feeling.
Stop poutine on airs.
I went to Labatt for you.
She’s a butter tart face.
You’re making a mountain out of a Molson.
Don’t get cod feet.
Went to Tim Horton’s this morning for a latt-eh.
The views here are unbe-leaf-able.
Canada is a-moosing.
These boots were made for hiking.
The Canadian Rockies are hill areas.
I have a good altitude.
We’ve officially peak-ed.
Jokes About Tim Hortons
There's not much that is more Canadian than everyone's favourite coffee and donut shop! Where would we be without the cheap coffee, tasty donuts, and free wifi?
Timmy's has been a part of the Candian landscape for more than 50 years. So, it's not surprising that poking fun at Tim Hortons and our obsession with the iconic coffee shops is practically Canada's national pastime (right behind sitting in line at the Tim Hortons drive-thru!).
Just like most Canadian jokes, Tim Horton's jokes are good-natured and light-hearted. But then, they wouldn't be very Canadian if they weren't. Have you heard these gems?
A 14,000-year-old village has been discovered in British Columbia. Among the artifacts, archeologists are hoping to find proof of the world's first Tim Hortons!
The Who once played a show at the mansion of the founder of Tim Hortons. It was the last time Horton heard a Who.
What is an agent who works for Tim Hortons and Starbucks called? A double-double agent.
What Dr. Seuss book do Canadians read every morning? Tim Hortons Hears a Who.
If you're Québec and just got a croissant at Tim Hortons. Can you say you ate French food?
Tim Hortons plans to open 1,500 stores in China over the next 10 years. Each citizen is permitted only one chocolate-glazed cruller.
Tim Hortons launched a wing sauce-infused latte along with a preemptive apology to the person who cleans your office bathroom.
Sign on a Toronto gas pump: As a courtesy to others, please pay for your fuel and move your vehicle before going to Tim Hortons.
Canadians don't take our dog sleds to work. The dogs stay home to guard our igloos against unruly moose scavenging for Timbits.
Tim's Brings Couples Together
So, a young couple walked inside of a Tim Hortons... Girlfriend: What do you want to order? Boyfriend: No idea, what sounds good? Girlfriend: I want a raisin bagel. Do you like raisin bagels? Boyfriend: I don't know. I've never raised a bagel before. Bah-dum-bum-ching!
Even American's Love Tim Hortons
Two American tourists were driving through Nova Scotia. As they were approaching Shubenacadde (shoe-been-ack-id-dee), they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... and say it very slowly?"
The waitress leaned over the counter and said, "Tiiimmmmm Hoorrrrttooonnns."
Canadian Dad Jokes
What is a dad joke? Dad jokes are generally inoffensive jokes of the type said to be told by fathers among their family. They usually have a punchline that's an obvious or predictable pun or play on words.
They're also endearingly corny or groan-worthy in their unfunniness. In honour of all the Canadian dads, we give you these hilariously awful dad jokes.
Dad: Can I get a large green tea, nothing in it?
Cashier: You want one large green tea, black?
Dad: No, I want it green! Cashier: [silence]
Why shouldn't curlers tell jokes on the ice? Because it might crack up!
What has antlers and sucks blood? A moose-quito!
What's a Canadian ghost's favourite food? Boo-tine!
What was the skeleton doing at the hockey game? Driving the Zam-boney!
What can jump higher than the CN Tower? Everything. The CN Tower can't jump!
How many A's in Canada?
There are four: C-A-N-A-D-A, eh?
How do you stop bacon from curling in the frying pan? Take away its broom.
Why do hockey players like baking cakes? Because they’re great at icing.
Canadian Pick-Up Lines
The best pick-up lines are clever, funny, cute, or cheesy. They can demonstrate your playful personality and get a conversation going. Canadians have their own unique way with words, and that includes the way we break the ice. Here are some of our more wholesome picks.
Want to come back to my place for a nice, hot cup of soup?
I'll plow your driveway.
I've got a bunch of venison in my shed.
Psst! I'm not wearing any longjohns.
You know what they say about guys with big snowshoes, eh?
Wanna share a nice warm double-double?
Keeping Your Sense of Humour
Remember, every time you hear a mean joke about being Canadian, you can go to the hospital and get your feelings checked for free, eh? Sorry. Still giggling at our jokes? Why not add to your Canadian vocabulary by checking out our piece on speaking Canadian? Enjoy!
We know provincial health insurance doesn't cover Canadian jokes. But it's important to keep your sense of humour! Besides, with provincial health and a little supplemental private health insurance, all your medical care can be covered.
And saving money on insurance and other financial products is no joke. At Insurdinary, we'll compare rates and save you money on insurance, mortgages, credit cards, and loans. Get your free quote today.